Her Mangled Mind

Oh my God I was feeling too lazy to drag myself out of bed but the many chores won’t allow me to go an extra hour of sleep. I wonder what I am even gonna share with you guys today, but let’s see.

I call this a collection of thoughts of a lady I’ve known almost all my life

Neither a poem nor a prose is it

..................................................................

She woke up feeling worn out of worry

How does she start over again?

She falls in thought so deep her fears won’t let her out

It’s four and twenty years and she feels she only stepped a foot here

Her mind staggers on accepting the true image

''But how?'' Is the question that escapes her lips

She still counts but its endless

The indecision

The deceit

The silent tears

The secrets

The mistakes

The disappointments and

The lonely moments

Many but not once, she called on Him to save her

Silent He seemed and she gave up

Back into the shadows she went

Look at her face, she is a goddess

Her heart is kind

But in there lurked a pain

A pain that is beyond her

She wanted to love

But it never waited for her

The love songs tear up her eyes

The movies soften her heart

She gives freely not expecting a thank you

But she is torn

She does not understand her own steps

Every day, she makes a promise

But broken it becomes in twenty-four

She tells her “I can’t trust you, but I will stand by you.”

Decisions are heavy now

Dropping them,

The smiles will fade for her

She talks to them that care

But the fear of rejection still remains

Before the sun peeked through the drapes

She whispers to me she will burst out soon

She will look for peace

She would drop the load

She only needs peace

You might hate her,

You might scorn her

For her mistakes

For her wrongs

You may detest her

But she only needs peace

The peace you also seek

The silence lingered for too long

But she will speak out

And the hurt will go

The pain, the anger, the disappointment

Will be felt no more

The light will pierce through the darkness of her world

And her heart will still be angelic

Who Is He?

When it gets to that point when you think you are frail and lowly
There is a power to raise you up
When it is the time to give up
There is a man you can give in to
When it hurts so bad
There is a soothing hand
When the easiest thing to do is "cry"
There is an infectious laughter from him
When the future seems blur and dark
There is a light that clears your path
When you feel out of place
He places you right on the perfect spot
When your heart begins to sink
He is the lifter of your soul
When you are rejected
He makes you his own
When you are lonely
He makes his presence known
When you are empty
He fills you up

 WHO IS HE? 

I have a friend who speaks to me everyday and has taught me to be the person I have begun to be...
I do not need to live my life alone when I have him ...he is in me , beside me and all around me...
Without him i am a walking corpse....
Though it took me a lot of struggle to let Him be everything to me, 
I believe the struggle was worth it.
For my peace in time of suffering is boundless.... 

GIVE HIM YOUR HEART AND HE WILL NEVER BREAK IT...
JESUS IS MY FIRST LOVE...
Try Him and see Him meeting you at all times. 

My Prayer & Espoir

I seek to be true, I seek to be sincere...
Always being the pleasant and the cheerful soul giving out to others what it has...
It is always my desire to put a smile on someone's face no matter how limited my resources are...
But it breaks my heart however, when I am unable to make the smile last  long...
I walk through every second of the day hoping and praying that Iwill neither cause the heart of another to be angered nor well another's eyes with tears...
I thread cautiously in the bid not cause pain to anyone...BUT...can I ever be perfect?
Am I not human and fallible?
Should I limit myself in order to keep peace or do I pretend no one else exists?
Well,well,well, I have a resolution which I propose to everybody else

I will live life as it comes
I will love as truly as I can
I will do my best in everything
I will hold out my helping hand when I can
I will serve my Creator in the best way possible

But;
      When I miss a step or I cross the line,
 I will seek correction and advice

This is my

For A Mother

Through the uncomfortable months of my growth inside her, she showed me LOVE

She would look at her bulging tummy and whisper, “I can’t wait to hold you in my arms”

At my first cry, she smiles and lets out a sigh of relief, “I made it,” she says

Holding me in her arms for the first time, all I could do was cuddle deeper into her bossom for warmth

She gives me her ever ready breasts to suckle as soon as there is a whine from my innocent lips

My waiting mouth draws all the energy out of my Mother, but she never blinks nor frowns

My mother, She is always on the edge when I am ill

Her tender hands nurse me to good health when I cannot stand on my feet

Her keen ears are attentive to my never ending complaints

Her sweet and soothing voice lulls me to calmness in my time of agitation

She is as patient as her name, a teacher like no other, a lover who gives without holding back

A cheerful soul she has even when the tides are against her

It is from her I have learnt that:

“In spite of the odds, do not try to get even,

Love with no reason,

Believe in your uniqueness, Fight for your dreams, Live a modest life and dress the way you want to be addressed…

Most of all, Let the word of God and Fervent, sincere Prayer be your guiding light”

She is the best Mum to me …..Appreciate yours as well and you will be fulfilled….

And It Came

Living the life was all it was,

Never thinking what was important,

Waking up every day,

Never knowing how the night slipped by,

Walking down the road,

Never seeing their faces,

Her gaze was fixed on It,

Time slips by, five but three ans,

It does not see Her,

Oh It doesn't!

She takes the strides each day,

It does not see her near,

She trots, she is still far...

It can't wait a minute more,

She runs , she pants and falls to the ground,

Then It comes,

'Give me your hand' It says.

She stretches forth,

It holds on tight.

Standing on wobbly limbs,

Again! The ground finds her and It varnishes

But it came...

She can walk, hop and gallop

For it has saved her

From the ground at last!

TRUE LOVE AT LAST.....

tHe ReAsoN I sMiLe

 

I am confident about my SMILE today because there were moments when all I was clad in were tears and sadness.

When anxiety and sleepless nights were my daily meal, there were those who turned their backs on me but those who stood by me are just countless; their names and faces, I have embossed in my heart.

Most people wouldn't know how important they have been and continue to be in my life but trust me, every smile they shared with me, every frown some showed me, every conversation and every argument we have, every hug and every handshake we share, all the petty squabbles and uncomfortable moments with all those I have met have in one way or the other keep me going.

With no knowledge of the exact time I fall into slumber, I wake up knowing I had slept all through the night. I look up into the morning sky wondering how by the tick of the clock, it lightens up into a sunny day. 

The sounds of birds chirping so loud, the bleating goat and the crowing cock announces my entry into a new day.

Three to five steps out of my house, people of various looks, sizes, ages with diverse fashion sense are those I meet moving in several directions. Everyone, with their own special mannerisms and actions,  seemingly heading somewhere either important or not. All I can do is to quietly think to myself:  " Wow! So all these people do not even have the same thoughts running through their minds, though they all have something in common; <blood and the breathe of life>." 

I always ended up laughing quietly at my own <ignorance> the few times I tried reading from the faces of  these people what they really had on their minds. I would mumble to myself ; " What's the use?" and then I again smile and say to myself: " you can only smile and be thankful for the beauty of life".

I smile because, of all the activities one can think of taking part in, "Smiling is the easiest and cheapest.''

you don't need to pay to have a smile on your face, neither do you need licence or permision to do so.

 

I tell myself  " Girl, you are simply blessed to be here among these people in spite of the terrible  moments of rejection and disappointment! ''

This SMILE I can't wipe off my face is a result of my day to day contact with everyone. 

Be it the worst or the best relations with anyone I have met so far, I can confidently say that I am who I am because I met them all.

Keep the Smile up for it costs nothing!!

What Next?

Once in our lifetime, we look back and make a lot of remarks as well as ask a lot of endless questions:

''Ah! I should have been born into 'that' family"
'' I should have been a citizen of 'that' country"
“Why didn't I go to 'that' school?"
"And why at all did I study 'that' course in school?"
"In fact, shouldn't I have taken up a job in 'that' company rather?"
"Come to think of it, why did I even fall in love with no other person but him/ her?"
"I wouldn't have married him/her if I had known"
And the list is endless. However, the Big Question is "So What Next?"

Would you retrace your steps and start afresh?
How sure are you that granted that which you would have preferred you had, your life wouldn't have been a worse case?

We always forget that we ourselves are part of the problems and instead of blaming our misfortunes on others, we could rather work at improving and psyching ourselves up to be able to overcome any situation we find ourselves in or are faced with in our lifetime.

You come from the poorest family and so what? You still breath and you even understand the difference between poverty and affluence. My friend, that is a Plus for you because the fact that you even know your problem gives you the power and authority to know the angle from which to solve it.

You come from a " Third World" country as some will put and so should you kill yourself? Of course not! You are in the best position to help move your country from that "Third World" to a "Second World" if I can put it that way. And that singular decision of yours paves the way for your country's "Evolution vers Redemption) as I put it.

Stop the unnecessary whining for it just slows you down and cages you in your sorrows and bitterness while you and a million more people wallow in the stringent effects of the poverty you wish you were not a part of.
If you doubt the fact that you can make a difference, why not find out the backgrounds and early lives of some of the many great men of our time? One thing is certain and that is: They made a Decision and that is: they never gave up! They persevered!

Fellow "wishers" in the hood lets just note that in spite of everything; the disappointments, the  sleepless and lonely nights, the nightmares, the shame, the rejection, the tears, the hunger, the thirst, the insults, the losses and false accusations, the only thing that can turn our lives around is the answer we decide to give to this simple question: WHAT NEXT? Will we take several steps back or a giant step forward? 

Think about it....

LOOKING BACK

A few minutes in a day, I get these flashbacks of events in the past. The feeling is a sensation of fear, nostalgia, sadness, ecstasy and sometimes extreme anger against myself or others or even situations I wish I had handled differently.

There are days I wake up and everything seems to be so perfect even when in reality, everything is upside down. Some special kind of joy bubbles up in me and it just feels as though I have the best life ever. During those moments, it's as if there are no outstanding bills to pay nor are there any deadlines to meet. It’s feels like there is nobody to hide from or avoid seeing.

Unfortunately, it doesn't take too long before the realities of life bounce back into my face literally causing me to jump back in fear or confusion.  It sometimes takes awhile to get back on track especially when my head is so deep inside the clouds of fantasy, enjoying the moment.

But you see, angry as I may be, disappointing as it may seem, I must face the realities of life squarely.

Going down memory lane, I remember every morning my brother and I would walk through a bushy pathway to school. Little as I was, I saw every tree and grass as very tall and big. We would usually saunter along the path to school though sometimes my brother would literally have to drag my crying self to school.

If my memory serves me right, I remember doing some painting works in kindergarten, where we were allowed to draw any pattern of our choice using little paint brushes which we dipped in tins filled with different colours of paint. We'd make a mess with the paint probably thinking in our tiny brains that we were drawing the most beautiful pictures.

 I enjoyed the moments when during break, we would all rush out to play on the heaps of sand on the school compound, probably meant for construction purposes. We would run up to the top of the heaps and slide down to the bottom. It was so much fun though once in a while you would hear one of us cry out so loud and that would mark the end of the sliding fun for the day.

As little as she had, my mom would pack my lunch box nicely. I couldn't wait for our teacher to tell us it was break time. My lunchbox was usually filled with some warm chocolate, what we usually call <Milo> with carefully sliced egg sandwiches. Other times it was oiled rice or yam chips. I simply loved taking out the lunch mum took her time to pack for me, when I’m with my playmates. One important thing that was never left out was a water bottle. Hmm...please don't laugh at me oo, I think that may be the reason why I still can't do without my water bottle, which I carry with me almost every time  I step out of home.

My first day in Class 1 was not too memorable since I had to meet new kids and try to get accustomed to sitting on my own table which was passed on to me by my brother who had outgrown it. It was my most cherished property till I got to class three. I refused to let it go even when we were moving to another town where I could have easily gotten a new one made for me.
Looking back, I wish time had not flown so fast. I remember the day I had my first fight with a classmate when I was in Class 3. It feels like just yesterday. The days I was painted in calamine lotion when I was down with measles remain embossed in my memory. Dad walks into our living room looking so worried just to see how his little girl is doing.  Oh my God, it felt like heaven just seeing him around.

My friends couldn't hide their amusement when they saw my whole body covered in this white lotion. They teased and teased my poor self, giggling as they said I looked like a ghost. But all the same, that moment also passed like the wind.

Oh dear! Can I ever stop somewhere?

The memories just come rushing back as I run my fingers over this keyboard. Now I am convinced beyond all possible or reasonable doubts (whichever way it is said) that Time indeed waits for no man.

They aren't all rosy, smooth and beautiful....the memories I mean. There were difficult and gloomy days. There were those days which if given the chance today, I would have done things differently.

Like most young girls, I also had my fair share relationships with the opposite sex. Mummy would speak about being careful of friends and the young boys. Morning devotions were not devoid of the many admonishments and advice whatsoever. Tried as I could, I was someway  somehow navigated into infatuations I thought was love. I had the choice to avoid those situations but nobody knows what kind of music clouds the youthful mind. During those periods, one’s sense of judgement and intuition appears dead beyond resurrection. Even the <wrongest> step or action looks so pure and whitewashed.

To be frank the adolescent stage isn't all about the physical changes we see oo my dear readers. The young one is virtually on a battlefield that could go a long way to shape or unshape his future. That field was a hot one for me..... At least that’s all I can say about it for now, reserving the details for later.

Moving on, the struggles to meet up academic demands were not left out. The sleepless nights when I had to still study in spite of the health challenges, the near-death experiences and all the miscellaneous problems, are those periods I couldn't be more grateful to God for. He showed he still cared no matter my flaws.

Those wonderful young girls at the time and the teacher who for the belief they had in my capabilities went out of their way to get me registered for my final exams while I was fighting for survival in the hospital bed; to them, I am eternally grateful.

In fact looking back, there are too many memories I still hold dear. There will definitely be a continuation of this blog but in order not to bore you with too many past events, I will put some suspenders here.

One thing is for sure however and that is the fact that what I seek to achieve by doing this “LOOKING BACK” is to show that Life treats each and everyone differently. We all have an array of experiences that seem to be past but tend to replay in our minds simply because they all have some special significance in our existence. The low moments I experienced taught me to face my problems squarely and not crumble under their (problems’) weight. My moments of shine have also taught me how to manage any excellence I am privileged to attain.

LIFE is simply a teacher who decides which lesson he'd give to his students at any given time. The onus however remains on each student to strive for the best reward by working towards an A+.REACH FOR THE SKIES AND YOU'D SEE BEYOND IT!!!